This is the sort of day that really throws me. Two things. First, my youngest tested positive for Covid this morning. He has a few health conditions, so its a bit of a worry. Then there's me, I have a few health conditions too. So if I catch it, I worry I will get it worse than I could, even though I'm fully vaccinated. He was too young to get a shot. There's my partner, the main breadwinner. He'll have to be shielded, as if he goes down and can't work, he won't get paid (he's on a contract, there's no sick pay; SSP won't touch the sides). So suddenly its Valentines Day and I can't hug my partner.
Luckily I can hug son - as he was breathing over me all yesterday when we thought he just had a cold coming, so I'm a bit doomed; I can take care of him all I should and would want, its likely I'm now incubating it too. He's upstairs, mourning the sudden waste of half term, while playing Brawlstars and building Lego when he's not too dizzy to get up. So far there's just excessive snottiness, a fever, chills and a stomach ache. A cough. The dizziness. It's not too bad. Lets hope it remains that way.
Waiting to see what happens.
Then there's the fact I'm waiting to hear if I got a job I intervieewed for last Thursday. The job process is so long these days, and so stressful. I mean, I always found it stressful, but all the delays etc, make it worse nowadays. I waited 23 days after application to see if I had an interview. Then I was called with 2 days notice to interview. On Microsoft Teams, which utterly crashed my old laptop, as it always does (horrible memory heavy program). So I was even more stressed than I would usually be, when the interview began. I think it went ok, but you can never be sure. It was my first interview in ages, and after it was over I was horrified to discover I felt just as stressed as before it. I was convinced that particular bit of stress would just flow away, but it didn't. I wished they could have told me right there, something - like: 'we liked you, but not sure if we like you enough to take you, have to see how everyone else shapes up', or 'you were great, lets see if anyone beats you, otherwise you're certain - go and buy cake!', or 'you know, we have no clue why you applied for this, you are so utterly unsuited...' or just ...anything. But of course, that's not how its done. So it wasn't.
I was told I might hear on Friday, but definitely Monday. Its 4.05 p.m., late in the work day now on Monday. If I succeed there'll be a call. If I fail, there'll be an email. There's been neither. Why can't I be that enviable person who didn't notice the time pass all day and at this point thinks - 'ah well, they'll let me know tomorrow, I guess they didn't get to it today' and gets back to their busy life. (Whereas I am thinking they seem a bit disorganised so clearly they need me; but do I want to work somewhere that's so last minutey? As well as the fact I REALLY need the money, but am not best sure I want this job anyway, it seems hugely about people complaining and getting angry with you. But if it offers I'll have to take it, see last sentence. Its all a mental tangle that I need to Buddhist monk myself out of. You can see why a part of me likes witchcraft - its the 'path of control' as I heard Emma Restall-Orr describe it once).
So. Waiting to see what happens there too.
Thats 2 big stressors in one day.
Now, this should be the point in the post where I tell you I got massive comfort from a ritual bath (where I bathed away my negativity, fear and worry), and how I bolstered myself with tourmaline, smoky quartz and such (for absorbing judgement and negativity of self and others), as well as maybe placing a large chunk of amethyst right near me (for healing of mind and body). How I went to my son's room and cleansed and floorwashed it (with appropriate healing and sweet smelling herbs), and made him a sachet of healing herbs I put under his pillow with his consent. How I applied for other jobs, letting this one take care of itself (as the spell - the interview, when you think about it), is over.
Maybe you won't be surprised to know I did very few of those things and did other things instead. I DID make a healing herb pouch and put it under his pillow with his consent ('you are such a weirdo mum, you know I don't beleive in witches!'). I already had a huge chunk of amethyst near me - I asked it politely to concentrate on keeping me Covid free if that was ok; and took another to son's room and Calpol-ed him while asking if I could put this on his chest of drawers ('you can be weird again if I can have a mini Magnum? please...please...? my throat still really hurts....' *sad dog face*).
However its too damn cold for a bath. I got away with opening the window in son's room, for better airflow on the hour every hour for 10 minutes and Dettoling the surfaces throughout the house. Then I walked up and down on and off all day in the living room (since the government may be stupidly ending self-isolation any minute, but I value my friends and family and random neighbours and strangers in the shops, so I'm isolating till Alex is better or I get it and I'm better, because I'm lucky and am able to do so for now).
What worked a bit for calming was Mike Oldfield's Incantations parts 1 and 2. And the Medieval Baebes. And other various music I like. I play very little music. I always forget to - being addicted to hearing the sounds of life - seagulls outside, teens screeching/magpies screeching, footsteps outside, planes overhead - birdsong, the almost greatest joy of all other than flowing water or wind in trees. My partner turns on sounds the minute he is awake and has them on till the minute he sleeps - music, chat shows, 70s/80s shows, the rolling news coverage (he is massively impressively zen about all the crap everywhere going on repeatedly fed to us). I worry that he feels 'silence' - which is never really silent - is empty and maybe sad, or lonely. I hear so much. And whilst I love music, I can't hear all the ambient life sounds (like the drier or next doors snatches of radio) if he always has things on, and loudly, so he can roam from room to room and still hear them. Its just not how I ...do my ears, and listening! I should listen to way more music because its overpowering and sensuous and wonderful.
So. if you ever feel a failure because you got really stressed and didn't really witch your way out of it as such and feel like you should of (hands up, come on)....I didn't as such, either.
***
(I went away and had a Zoom call, and when I came out, at nearly 6 p.m., there was the mail to say I didn't get the job. Releived. Rejected. Its neither one thing nor the other but both. And son is still building Lego from a semi prone position, so we're in a holding position there.)
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